I don't wanna wake up

Stressed doesn't do this feeling enough justice.

Anyways, talked to Scott about how I feel like I'm always been taken for granted. He agreed, which made me cry, and made him cry too, for that matter. I told him that I'm afraid of getting fed up with everything, forcing me to stop caring about our relationship--which will then in turn make me stop trying in our relationship. I really hope it doesn't boil down to that, because I'm in love with that boy.

My computer is fucked beyond recognition. I'm really tempted to spend money I don't have/should'nt spend to upgrade it--thus fixing whatever problem has wedged itself in my harddrive/operating system/video card/etc.

Labs suck.

This past weekend was hella fun though. And hopefully I'll have this weekend to look forward to.

Come and Stay With Me

I just saw Hotel Rwanda and I'm absolutely speechless. As I type this I still feel like crying. I really had no idea the extent of that massacre; really, I was only in grade four when it happened. Through out this movie my stomach was in knots, and the fact that what was on screen was more or less accurate kept eating away at me--I still feel kind of sick.


I went to Brian's to see some of the movies he made at Ryerson. More and more doubt arose in me over my decision to go into engineering over film and television. I don't think this is a good sign. But c'est la vie...or something fucking similar.

Therapy Session!

Fight with parents, stress with family, disappointment over some marks that are in and anticipation and anxiety over the rest that aren't. Finding out a best friend is still in love with me. Earthquakes and tsunamis killing tens of thousands. Fearing the worst for my boyfriend's godparent's. Not exactly feeling wanted. Etc. Etc. Etc. It's been one fucking relaxing vacation. I'm such in a pissy mood right now. Aside from the amazing times I've had with friends, I'm feeling pretty shitty right now.

Also: is it a bad thing realising that you' might be in the wrong program? My parents always said "what can you do with a radio and television/film degree? Engineering would much better suit you--and you could do so much more with it." I really don't think they took into account that I had written, directed and produced to films and entered both of them in a film festival--both the films won. Bah. I don't know.

Like Spinning Plates

The past few days with Scott and friends have been amazing. I have officially experienced the best New Year's ever--even though we missed the count down by a few minutes. There was lots of parading around in nothing but boxers/lingerie by many people attending the party; and I think everyone would agree that Hollie knows how to throw a wonderful party.

Scott's return to good ol' Mississauga made me a very happy boy. As a horny motherfucker I was able to take out my sexual frustration on him--which we both enjoyed, I'm sure. Due to the lack of privacy in my room, the fornication had to take place in a bathroom, which we both agreed made the experience that much more intense. (Two boys lustfully wanting each other to the point that they would fuck like rabbits anywhere--including a bathroom-like environment.) Also: mirrors are fucking amazing. I've never had sex in front of a mirror before, but I want to all the freakin' time ever since our first sexual act in front of one. I consider myself a very visual person, and in front of a mirror I'm able to see more of the sexual deeds than from my own limited perspective. We also experimented with a camera, and the outcome was sexy as expected. I'm sure the pictures will hold me over until the next time I can see him.

Now Scott has returned to his respectful home; friends will soon drop off from my phone-call away reach--and I'll be alone with family. I find this a sickeningly lonely situation. I find that whenever I'm with my family my stomach likes to tie itself into some pretty tight knots; my blood likes to run cold; my inner-soul feels a void that sucks every last good-feeling away from me...I think I'm allergic to my family--or at least scared of them. I don't know--I mean, I do love them, but I find myself liking them less and less the more I'm around them. There's always a fight going on. I just want out.

Luckily I'll be going off to Hamilton come Thursday to visit Duncan and Danielle with Hollie, and I'm sure I'll be seeing Vanessa while we sex-store hop, and seeing Katy in the gayborhood--so this week stretch of being alone won't be /that/ bad. I just don't like these nervous feelings that engulf me whenever I'm alone with family. It's like my entire inner-peace is broken right down to its foundation.

I don't have time to edit what I've written as my friend is picking me up, so whatever I've written will have to do until I have time to clean it all up.